Reduce Stress and Increase Influence: Finding the Sweet Spot of Assertive Communication

Reduce Stress and Increase Influence:

Finding the Sweet Spot of Assertive Communication

In our coaching practice, we constantly deal with the common challenge of breakdowns in communication and interpersonal relationships, which is rooted in assertive versus aggressive communication. Navigating the highly collegial professional norms among peers is a true challenge for many. It is vital for leaders, team members and physicians to find the sweet spot of assertive communication with their colleagues to preserve their relationships and reduce their stress levels while avoiding being perceived as aggressive.

What is the difference between Assertive and Aggressive Communication?

Assertive Communication is about standing up for ourselves, our opinions, beliefs, values, and needs (yours or the patient’s needs) and doing so in a respectful, nonthreatening, and nonviolent way.  Assertive people state their ideas, opinions, points of view while still being respectful of others. When we are assertive, we are showing equality of respect. We respect both our viewpoint and the other person’s viewpoint or behavior. Aggressive Communication is a style in which individuals express their feelings and opinions and advocate for their needs in a way that violates the rights of others. Aggressiveness may involve threatening, attacking, verbally abusing or ignoring others. Aggressive people attack or ignore others’ opinions in favor of their own. Passive aggressive is the worst form of aggression as people don’t state their opinions at all and undermine that of the others covertly.

 

Recognizing and Preventing Inappropriate Aggressiveness

How do you recognize when you may have crossed a line and become too aggressive in your communication? Here are a few things to watch for in your conversations with others: Observe yourself making statements like these:

• • “Don’t argue, just do it”
  • “It’s my way or the highway”
  • “Do what I say, not as I do”
  • “This is all wrong! You guys can’t get anything right around here”
  • “I am surrounded by a bunch of morons”
  • “I don’t care what you have to say, just do it”
  • “I am right, you are wrong, end of discussion”
  • “I know better, you just have to listen and do as I say”

Being appropriately assertive in your communication yields very different responses from others than when you are seen as being belligerent or openly hostile. Increasing our awareness of how others respond to us is an opportunity for growth. Here are few strategies to increase your awareness of how other people are reacting to you:

• Are others expressing their opinions and concerns freely, asking good questions and listening with engagement, or do they shut down and become silent?
• In meetings, do others appear to freely express their opinions when you are present? Are they reluctant to ask for your input?
• Do others easily make eye contact with you and send positive social signals, or do they seem to avoid you?
• Do others seek your feedback on their performance, or do they become uneasy, overly agreeable, and try to avoid hearing your feedback?

 

Expert Culture and Aggressiveness

In healthcare and several other industries, such as academia, we are known for living in “The Expert Culture.” An Expert Culture by its nature and structure, unduly elevates its experts. The expert tends to act and communicate aggressively like a master, chief, authority, or worst of all, judge, with little respect of other member’s ideas, opinions, or knowledge. This encourages the others to become compliant but not committed. The expertise gives us confidence and increases our ego leading us to see the world in one way and one way only, making it hard for others to challenge us or offer a different point of view. Safety issues or breakdowns occur when experts become aggressive and make it unsafe for others to speak up -even in high-risk, near-miss safety situations.

Appropriate Assertiveness as An Alternative

What is Appropriate Assertiveness?

Appropriate Assertiveness honors both you and others by expressing your position, needs, and feelings directly and respectfully while inviting dialogue with the other person. It is by demonstrating self-respect that you are able to genuinely communicate your respect for others’ opinions and needs, opening the door for truly productive dialogue. It is by being direct that you tell the other person that you see them as capable of having honest dialogue and that you avoid being manipulative or demeaning. Appropriate Assertiveness protects all parties from anxious thoughts that arise when communication is unclear or incomplete. Simply put, it allows communication to be firm and candid without being rude.

 

Examples of Appropriate Assertiveness

Here are some examples of how to practice and recognize appropriate assertiveness.  

 

 

 

 

 

Difference between Aggressive and Assertive Communication

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benefits to Being Appropriately Assertive

Assertive communication is a well-known strategy for preventing adverse incidents in health care and improving patient safety (1), but a lesser-known benefit is how becoming more assertive can improve your feelings of well-being by reducing stress. Reduced frustration, increased respect, greater productivity and fewer conflicts (2) are all reasons why it is beneficial to understand and employ appropriate assertiveness in communication. More specifically, here are some examples of how appropriate assertiveness is beneficial:

• Creating boundaries by keeping your focus on what is most important and declining requests that are not aligned with your priorities
• Clearly and confidently expressing your ideas and concerns while increasing the strength and value of your relationships
• Increasing your influence by speaking up in meetings in ways that inspire engagement from others and improve the quality of the outcomes
• Increasing your confidence that you were able to communicate within the sweet spot between being aggressive and being passive
• Giving a valuable gift to others by modeling appropriate assertiveness and showing that you respect and trust them

 

Practicing Appropriate Assertiveness

1. Calm: Calm your mind and connect with your confidence, then speak simply and directly. Calmly express your feelings.
2. Clarity: Have a clear understanding of what is most important to you. Knowing in advance what you will compromise and what you will not is essential to practicing appropriate assertiveness. It enables you to make reasoned choices during challenging conversations that you will later feel good about.
3. Intent: State your intent and be clear about it: I intend the following outcome from this conversation. My intent is to solve the issue at hand..My intent is to get everyone’s ideas or issues on the table,…
4. Don’t assume: Make your needs or ideas clear. Advocate for what you need rather than expecting others to already know. Here is what I need or want, here is my idea or opinion on this matter.
5. Voice your concerns and share how you feel with candor. I am concerned it is taking too long to solve the issue… I feel this way about this issue or situation….
6. Appreciate different styles: Understand how your personal communication style may differ from others. Being able to recognize style differences and adjust your style to better connect with others is an easy and extremely valuable skill (see Style Assessment (DISC) here)
7. Don’t make it personal. Keep it focused on the issue not emotions
8. Listen to others: Respect the experience and expertise of everyone. Allow the full weight of your and others’ experiences to be expressed as your gift without feeling the need to prove your worth.
9. Watch other people’s body language. Judge when to stop pushing or when emotions are too high.
10. Be inclusive: Use appropriate assertiveness to create opportunities to build mutual understanding and respect. We are all trying to do our best and our strength lies in utilizing the best from all our varied experiences and perspectives.

We hope that with these appropriate assertiveness strategies you are able to accelerate your leadership success, reduce your stress and engage others successfully.  We would love to hear from you about your experiences and journey to find the sweet spot between assertive and aggressive.

Leave us a comment or contact us online or call at (813) 333-1401.

Ames D, Lee A, Wazlawek A.Interpersonal assertiveness: Inside the balancing act. Soc Personal Psy Compass. 2017;11(6). doi:10.1111/spc3.12317 Lo, L. (2011). Teamwork and communication in healthcare: A literature review. Edmonton (AB), Canada: Canadian Patient Safety Institute; Retrieved from patientsafetyinstitute.ca